thotlady.com » grief

Another puppy

thotlady — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 15:34:46 +0000

I don’t know if I will ever be ready for another dog. How is that possible? So much sadness. I thot I would be ready by now to start looking. That is not exactly right, I have started looking, but just don’t have my heart in it. I think I need to see the puppies in person to see if I feel a pull to adopt another dog.

Some people just can’t understand that a new dog can never replace a previous dog in your life. Never.

Part of my adjustment is…no one needs me anymore. I am not looking for sympathy, it is just a cold, hard, fact. I am actually a little afraid to get another dog. I worry that I have some kind of curse when it comes to being a dog owner. It does make for a lot of guilt on my part.

-thotlady

Grief

thotlady — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 02:25:00 +0000

Each night before I go to bed, I sit on the couch in the spot that my Brammy used to sit. Staring out the bay window at our neighborhood. We always said he was our neighborhood watch dog. Keeping us all safe from harm. Our ever vigilant sentry. He would sit and stare out that window for hours.

Each night when I came home from work I would slow the car and stop right in front of our house. I would look in the window and there Brammy was. As soon as he recognized me and the car he would stand up on the couch and I would wave to him. He would get very excited, jump off the couch, and he would be at the family room door as I opened it, so very happy to greet me.

All of that is no more. One thing I have discovered with the death of our pets is…you cannot share grief. At least, my grief and sense of loss does not lessen because my husband is also grieving. Each one of us grieves separately. I imagine my husband rarely shows me his grief because he worries that it will add to my burden.

There is no right way to grieve.

-thotlady

Missing him

thotlady — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 22:09:35 +0000

I miss him most right after work, when I should be going directly home to see my little boy. To walk him and feed him. Some days I was very tired, but as soon as I walked through the door, it was like he had thrown me a party. He was so happy to see me. Who else loves you that much, they are so happy to see you each and every day. No one but your dog.

I also miss him more than I can stand when I am ready to go to bed. We would take Bramwell out one last time to go pottie. Then we would say to him “bed time”. And we would all go upstairs. Sometimes Bramwell needed some prodding. Some nights we would leave him down in the family room, but eventually we would hear his feet tapping as he came up the stairs to settle on his pillow or in the corner of the room on Bogie’s side of the bed.

Since Bramwell died I have been going to the athletic center after work almost every day. I can’t bear to go home directly from work. Changing my routine is all I can do to help ease the pain. It’s not much, but at least it is something. The funny thing is, I still dread going home after I have finished working out.

I took a long walk yesterday. I took the route Bramwell especially liked. Good and long. I cried most of the way. Unbearable. But at least I got some exercise out of it.

I miss you my precious boy. Each and every day.

-thotlady

Missing my puppies

thotlady — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 01:02:06 +0000

I can’t tell you how much I miss my sweet puppies. I feel like there is a conspiracy a foot, keep dogs away from thotlady at all costs.

Sadness creeps into my bones and overwhelms me.

I really think I am in shock this time. A person can only take so much loss.

I miss petting Bramwell, kissing and loving him. Laying my face next to his and whispering to him how very much he means to me.

Nobody loved him like I did. I told him that all the time. He knew.

Charlotte and Bramwell are the best things that ever happened to us. They knew.

-thotlady

thotlady — Thu, 26 May 2011 05:01:28 +0000

Things about Bramwell’s death that anger me.

We found out he had cancer the same day we had to decide to let him go
Bramwell had to spend four hours of his last 24 in a cage at the emergency vets office, while we waited for the results of his tests
I didn’t realize sooner that he was sick, I can’t ever truly forgive myself for not doing something sooner
I am so angry that our beloved dogs are cursed by having us for owners. They should be given long full lives to live
Dogs can’t talk
That I have to work, which keeps me away from my beloved animals
That I don’t know how to deal with my grief
That I didn’t spend more time with him, although I always want to spend more time with them, but because of life, I can’t always choose how I spend my time
I am angry that my puppies can’t stay with me forever, how crazy is that?

Bramwell

thotlady — Wed, 25 May 2011 21:54:45 +0000

Bramwell (February 15, 2002 - May 22, 2011)

A sad day in the neighborhood

thotlady — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 16:34:00 +0000

On Monday after work I was out walking our dog, Brammy. I saw a neighbor in her driveway holding onto her dog, Sadie. I told her our car was burglarized on Saturday night (don’t worry, they only took between $7-$10). Bogie does not lock his car. She was concerned because our neighbor’s house was broken into several weeks ago and now this.

As I was talking to her she mentioned that they had to put their dog, Holly down two weeks ago. It simply crushed me to hear this. She was a golden retriever and 10 years old. I loved her so. She was the first dog I met in our neighborhood when we moved in. She is the sweetest thing. When we walk by her fenced yard each day she would come over to greet us. She would whine until I stopped to pet and stroke her. I didn’t know her name at the time, so I called her Friendly Girl. She was precious.

Another loss. It is so sad when a wonderful puppy leaves this world. A little pocket of loss is created each time we lose one. I never handle it well, but maybe I am not supposed to. Do people handle death well? Should they? I know I mourn deeply, and sadly, the loss always remains with me. Which is not a bad thing. I hope it means that I loved them with my whole heart…still do.

Rest in peace my sweet, sweet baby girl, Holly. You brought such joy to my world, each and every day I was lucky enough to pet and love you.

-thotlady

I cry a little and die a little…

thotlady — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 21:28:48 +0000

I don’t know where to begin. Every day I struggle with the loss of my Charlotte. Poor Bogie, I am sure he is tired of my grief. I don’t blame him. We all deal with grief and loss in our own way, but mine has been going on for quite some time.

As I wake up each morning and get out of bed I look down at the dog pillow where my sweet baby used to sleep. Why did she leave us so soon? Why is she not still with us?

Every day I have to live with the fact that we ended her life. We made the choice. It is not right or wrong, it just is. The hardest decision in any pet owners life.

Charlotte clung to life so tenaciously. She was a trouper in every sense of the word. She fought hard to stay with us. I cherish every single moment I had with her. She was the reason I got up each morning…and she was the joy that I saw each night as I turned out the light.

It has been over a year that we have been without her. It hurts as much this very moment as it did the day she left us. Some will recommend I see a counselor for my grief. But what will that accomplish. Can a counselor bring back my joy, my reason for breathing each and every day? Some might say a counselor will help you feel better. But you see, I don’t want to feel better about losing Charlotte, if it means I feel better about her death, about her leaving us, about my life without her. Why would I?… how could I feel better about that?

I already feel I am losing some of the memories. It makes my heart ache to lose even one small memory of my little darling girl.

She was my JOY. Without her there is very little joy.

Each night when I come home, I cry a little, I die a little, I feel my heart break a little. That’s the story of my dear Charlotte.

Charlotte

-thotlady

P.S. I don’t want sympathy, I just needed to get these feelings written down my dear reader. No thots are needed.

Surviving Grief

thotlady — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 13:09:33 +0000

I have just started reading the Millenium Trilogy by Stieg Larsson. In doing so, I have started surfing the internet to find info on him. His partner of 32 years Eva Gabrielsson is writing a book about Stieg Larsson. The second part of the book describes her grief over Larsson’s death and how she dealt with it. Below is an excerpt from an interview she did with Rachel Cooke of The Observer.

“It’s about what it’s like to lose someone like that, someone you’ve loved for so long. Everyone will encounter this [the shock of losing someone] sooner or later. I want to show what a hell it is. But also I want to say: don’t be afraid. Embrace it, and you’ll get through it. You become somebody else. You can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you are in total distrust of the world. But this is the way it is supposed to be. There is something in our genetic code, something primitive, that takes us over because our rational self cannot deal with the reality. You’re an animal now. But the more of an animal you are, the safer you are: it protects you. It’s there to help you survive.”

This seems a bit dramatic, but it describes exactly how I felt when I was dealing with the death of my father and our beloved dogs, Bronte and Charlotte. Especially this part…our rational self cannot deal with the reality.

-thotlady

Bronte

Charlotte

thotlady — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 02:05:56 +0000

How do I get through one night without you
If I had to live without you
What kind of life would that be
Oh and I, I need you in my arms
Need you to hold
You’re my world, my heart, my soul
If you ever leave
Baby, you would take away everything good in my life

Without you there’d be no sun in my sky
There would be no love in my life
There’d be no world left for me
And I, baby I don’t know what I would do
I’d be lost if I lost you
If you ever leave
Baby, you would take away everything real in my life
And tell me now

How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I, how do I
Oh, how do I live

If you ever leave
Baby, you would take away everything
Need you with me
Baby, ’cause you know that you’re everything good in my life
And tell me now

How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I, how do I
Oh, how do I live
How do I live
Without you baby

-Trisha Yearwood

This is how I felt all day today. I am not alone, I do have my husband and my Bramwell, but it’s hard to share your grief. I cry more, which I am sure gets annoying for him. He cries too, but probably hides it from me. I am angry and lost. Normal in the grieving process, I know.